It's all right to cry

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

There's something within us that abhors tears. We've been conditioned to stop them--both our own and others-- at any cost.

A crying baby is like nails on a chalkboard, and our society seems to have adopted two tacts for dealing: let the baby cry it out somewhere alone, or stop the baby from crying at all.

Crying it out seems to stem from the idea that babies are somehow using their tears to manipulate us, and that this is an unattractive character trait that shouldn't be rewarded with attention of any sort. We have a fear of "spoiling" our babies that, coupled with the extolling of independence as a virtue, has led us as a culture to adopt the practice of leaving a baby alone in a room to cry until they give up.

Typing this out, it all sounds rather ridiculous, attributing a consciousness to the infant that is not there at all. People are afraid that a little tiny baby is manipulating them. So they walk away from the baby and let them work it out on their own, in hopes of teaching them some sort of lesson. I have bright kids, but I can tell you, they were no where close to being this cognizant as infants.

On the other side of the coin, we have people who try to stop babies from crying at all costs. Jiggle them, bounce them, buy an expensive machine that will "interpret" your baby's cries so you know exactly what they need. And if you can't get the baby to cry, feel guilty, because you have obviously failed.

I am here to tell you a secret.

Babies cry, and sometimes there's not a darned thing you can do about it.

Sometimes, babies cry, just like sometimes, adults cry. There's something cathartic in a good cry. It's actually a way our body can shed stress-induced chemicals. Research by William H. Frey has found specific hormones and proteins in tears that are related to pain, stress, and emotions.

Sometimes, babies cry because it's their only way of communicating. Sometimes they're just sad. Sometimes they're frustrated. And while there are some times we can fix what is making them cry-- soiled diapers, empty tummies, and other pains-- sometimes we just can't. In that case, the best we can do is hold them and love them, without fear of spoiling them, and let them know that our love for them is unconditional, whether they are happy or sad. As Dr. Sears says, "You may not always be able to stop them from crying, but you can make sure they don't cry alone."

So what can you do when your baby cries?

Respond quickly to your baby. Look for any obvious reasons for crying-- a wet diaper, a stuffy nose, a hungry belly. Then look for non-obvious reasons. Is your baby overtired? Does he have gas or is he teething? A too-tight diaper cover or hair around a toe can be agony to a little one who can't fix it. Maybe your baby is feeling overstimulated and needs to be moved to a quieter environment.

Touch and hold your baby when she is crying. It is tempting to buy into the world's explanation that the crying is somehow manipulative in nature and that your child needs to be "trained" and "taught" that she can't just cry and get what she wants. Please remember that your baby is just a baby and is not yet versed in the fine art of manipulation. She is communicating with you in the only language she has. As tempting as it might be to set her in a room and walk away, you will do both of you a disservice. You will be desensitizing yourself to your baby's cries and you will be showing her that you will not answer her when she needs you.

Talk to your baby. Tell him that you're listening and that you hear him and love him. Sing to him songs of love and gentle lullabies.

Make eye contact. Along with holding your little one, this can help her to feel reconnected with you. I suspect sometimes babies feel all alone in this great vast world, and sometimes they just need to know they are loved.

Stay calm. A baby's cries often elicit a "fight or flight" response in a parent. Sometimes, a baby will feed off the feeling of stress and you are stuck in a loop of bad feelings and sadness. Take deep breaths and calm yourself even as you seek to calm your child. Use "we" language: "We're going to be OK. We love each other. We can get through this." If you feel like you are going to lose control, hand your baby to someone or set the baby down and walk away for a few minutes until you can regain control.

It's all right to cry--
Crying gets the sad out of you.
It's all right to cry--
It might make you feel better.