Days of Grace

We have a Mennonite-run grocery surplus outlet about 45 minutes away that sells whole wheat bread (among other things, including lots of organics!) for $1.19 a loaf. Once every month or so, we travel down that way and stock up on bread to freeze. The bread comes on Tuesday, so that's the day we need to be there. Today was Bread Day.

It was a gorgeous day. The morning was very foggy and chilly, but it was the type of fog and chill you know the sun will burn off. The trip down was peaceful and uneventful-- no small feat with four little ones-- and behavior was about as good as could be expected.

The whole way down, one word kept creeping into my thoughts-- grace. I've been feeling so unsettled lately-- not quite happy with the way things are going, but not quite sure what, if anything, to change. When I was in high school and college, before I got married, I felt like my life was a constant dialogue with God. When St. Paul said "Pray always" it was so easy, because God and I were an inseparable team. Talking to Him was as easy as talking to my best friend. Then something changed. It must have been subtle, because I can't put my finger on the day it happened. But one day, I realized God wasn't as close as my next breath any more. And I mourned it, but I thought maybe it was something that happened when you grew up, like leaving Neverland and no longer being able to fly. Later, as I read the lives of the saints, I could sympathize with those who felt spiritual dryness. I realized there was grace even in emptiness. God's absence (or seeming absence, because after all, He's never far away at all) left room for faith. My empty cup could be filled with grace.

I ebb and I flow. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately. I want my kids to learn, learn, learn and excel, but I've forgotten why. I want my house to be neat, not because of my family, but in spite of them. I compare myself to others and inevitably end up falling short and feeling sad.

But today, grace abounded. It was everywhere. And I realized why, exactly, it was so incredibly amazing. I thought of the hymn
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved..."
And I realized that there was a certain amount of grace in my unsettled feelings lately as well, because without those feelings of restlessness and emptiness, I wouldn't know to seek out grace. You don't seek a cure if you don't feel ill.

Of course, the problem with grace is sort of like shining a bright light in a room you haven't really kept up all that well. The more grace flowed through me, the uglier it felt when I was cross with the children or selfish with my time. And so, I'm praying that this grace not only continues to show me flaws in my life, but also the strength to face them and change.

Days of grace.

Grace like rain.

Amazing grace.