Shhhh...

I haven't felt like I've had a whole lot to say this week.

Haiti is weighing heavily on my heart. I feel so helpless and so hopeless, and I almost find myself longing for the days when around-the-world news was not a click (of the dial... of the channel... of the internet...) away. But I know this is selfish-- not knowing about the news doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, of course-- and so I force myself to look at the images, listen to the stories, hear the ever-growing tally as losses are counted. Anything I could possibly do seems to small and worthless, but of course, I know this is not helpful either.

I'm also finding myself getting angry: angry at politicians and celebrities and spokespersons saying stupid things, trying to make their points on the backs of so many innocent victims; angry at well-meaning friends who share false information without taking a moment to find out whether or not it's true; angry at the inevitable scammers and swindlers and vultures who always swoop into situations like this, picking the bones of other people's tragedies for their own selfish gain.

On top of that, I've been engaging in some not-so-healthy behaviors, staying up til 1 or 2 AM each night, not doing anything of significance. I haven't been diligent about going to the gym or praying or getting ready for school the next day, and both my household and my state of mind has suffered. I haven't been taking my vitamins or eating healthy food or even getting a few minutes of sunshine every day.

One bright spot-- in the middle of the week we all packed it up for the day and went to Baltimore. Daddy had to be there to tour the distribution center for Kathryn's Closet, and our membership to the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry from vacation this summer meant that we got to visit the Maryland Science Center for free. We packed our lunch to keep costs at a minimum, and treated ourselves to dinner at Ikea, a store I love but rarely get to visit. The day trip was lovely, but it made getting into an already rough week even more difficult.

Another bright spot-- meeting with the other mamas in my co-op last night, laughing about denim jumpers and garden gnomes and crazy brilliant children whom we are honored and blessed to shepherd through their learning years. It was wonderfully silly and relaxing, until another homeschool mama who has bucketfulls of my respect asked me "What is your goal for your children at the end of homeschooling?" and I found myself stuttering that I had never really thought about it. Sigh.

I've also found myself thinking a lot about this post over at The Snail's Trail, and the pressure we Mommy Bloggers put on ourselves to be perfect. I find myself inundated with ideas and activities but no time to do them, and it frustrates me almost as much as the knowledge that as long as I am holding myself up to the measuring sticks of the other amazing mothers out there on the internet, I will never be good enough.

And so, I think it's time to close up the old laptop for a few days and reconnect with my family, my purpose, my rhythms and routines, but most of all with my God and with myself. It's time to reign things in and think about why I'm doing all this.

It's time for a little quiet.